Mack and Mark

You don’t really understand what has happened or who he really is. Without the inside knowledge of what Narcissism is, it is almost impossible to understand:

Why there seems to be two completely different people inside him?
How he could have changed so dramatically?
Why he is so nice at times and then so nasty at others?
What causes that change? He also talked so much about love and higher values in the beginning, but his real behaviour has only really reflected selfishness and self interest.

You keep hoping for the initial person you fell in love with to re-emerge. He did such an effective job of his “Sales Presentation” to you in the courting phase, pretending to be all you could have wanted in a relationship, and it was so believable, that you just want that version of him to re-appear again, so you can have the relationship you thought you were going to have and have committed to, and just be able to get on with it.

But, unfortunately, the “Sales presentation” version of him that you fell in love with, is NOT REAL. The feelings, passion and intensity he first showered you with were all part of his sales presentation. This version of him will never return, because there is no substance to it. It is not real. It was the lure to get you in. He will only use it again if he decides he wants to re-lure you back in. IT IS NOT REAL..

It feels unfinished in that there seemed to be so much promise that hasn’t really happened yet. He has promised you the world, and you have been left with crumbs. He is very capable of a great seduction and pretence when courting you, but not at all interested, nor is he capable, of being a real partner in any real way, with empathy and compromise from each other.

You feel if only he understood how hurt you are then it would change him. It can be difficult to accept that he really doesn’t care about how hurt you are as a result of his behaviour. He may have pretended to care initially, so you want to believe that he does really, but in reality he doesn’t, and it can be difficult to accept that you have given your love and commitment to someone who just doesn’t care how hurt you are feeling.

You can take on some of the blame your partner has thrown at you,(and continues to throw at you) and blame yourself. By the time you have decided to leave, you will have experienced your share of put downs, belittling, judgements and criticisms, both subtle and very obvious. While these constitute his projections of his own characteristics only, it is difficult not to take on some of them, particularly when he has repeatedly blamed you. This may leave you thinking that some of this has actually been your fault and perhaps if you tried harder, you could make it work. Please know that while you have participated in this dance with the Narcissist, you have NOT contributed in the way you are now blaming yourself. In fact you have probably tried too hard in this relationship already, and not seen that he has not been willing to take responsibility for his part in it. It is now time to take responsibility for yourself and your own happiness.

There is no closure with the Narcissist. He will not be interested in acknowledging his part in the relationship ending, so you will not be able to have any shared closure with him. He will in fact be projecting and blaming you for everything, while keeping himself squeaky clean in his fantasy world. He may also want to involve others close by, sharing his fantasy version of how wonderful he has been and how appalling you have. Remind yourself that in actuality, he is covering his terror and worthlessness with a fantasy based on rationalisations and lies, and that you know in your own truth what efforts you have made.

You can’t understand why he doesn’t really try to work on the relationship. To be willing to work on your relationship, you need to be frank and accountable, two things the narcissist can’t tolerate. In reality, he doesn’t see he has a problem and doesn’t want the relationship to be any different from what it is. He has created the fantasy this way, and he wants it to stay this way as it is serving his desires. This is usually more important than any relationship to him.

You question just what in the relationship was real at all. It is a extremely mindbogglingly painful to realise that you have been taken in by a clever conman and have trusted this person when he was far from trust worthy, and for as long as you have. Also, that his motives have not been to love you, as stated, but simply to gain his Narcissistic supply from you, a mere source for him.

It takes time, processing, deep soul searching, and usually assistance from a trained Psychologist to come to the full realisation of the reality of the relationship you have been living in, and to gain closure and move forward into a healthier relationship.

At the Hart Centre we have over 50 Psychologists around Australia who have been trained in understanding and helping you with Narcissism and Narcissistic partners. If you’re having relationship issues with a narcissist Phone 1300 830 552.

Here are some warning signs that a person you have met or are starting a relationship with may be a Narcissist.

He may blame every mistake of his, every inadequacy or mishap on others, or on the world at large.

He may be hypersensitive to ribbing and insults. He may treat children or animals with little thought and respect.

He may be too keen to push for more time together and create a fast and furious relationship.

He can immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life and press for exclusivity and instant intimacy. He may text or phone you incessantly, or need to know where you are at all times.

He may not respect your boundaries and privacy, or may ignore your wishes, or want to be included in everything you do.

He may tend to want to control the situation and you compulsively, eg insist you ride in his car, hold on to the car keys, the money, or the theatre tickets. He may disapprove if you are away for too long, and interrogate you when you return. He may insist on a dress code.

He may act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticise you often. He may emphasise your smallest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealises you).

He may be wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general.

He may tell you that you make him feel good. Next thing, he may tell you that you make him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you provoke him.

He adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness or amused indifference.

He takes part in social interactions and banter condescendingly, from a position of superiority.

He may ask for special treatment of some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored arrangements, and can
frequently and embarrassingly dress down service providers such as waiters or taxi drivers.

He flatters, adores, admires and applauds you in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner.

In general, he prefers show-off to substance and is shallow. He will not admit to ignorance or to errors in any field.

He may brag incessantly. His speech is peppered with I, my, myself, and mine. He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative, but always excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.

His past life may sound unusually rich and complex. His achievements often seem beyond his age and education. Yet, his actual condition is in reality incompatible with his claims. He name-drops and claims other people’s experiences and accomplishments as his own.

He likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time.

In general, he is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits, unless and until he is the topic of discussion.

If you ask him about his emotions, he will intellectualise, rationalise, or talk about himself in the third person and in a detached scientific tone.

He may become enraged when required to delve deeper into his motives, fears, hopes, wishes, and needs.

He is usually very serious about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humour, scathing and cynical, but rarely does he make jokes at his own expense.

If you have found that you are already in a relationship with a Narcissist, and would like relationship counselling, or help in leaving a Narcissist, contact us at the Hart Centre Australia. We have over 50 Psychologists around Australia who have been educated in Narcissism and can knowledgably help you in dealing with your situation. We also offer Skype sessions for overseas clients or those you can’t attend one of our centres. Phone Australia 1300 830 553, or +617 55190004